Alright? It's warmand, mm-mm, cozy. Why? Duchess: Why, Mr. O'Malley,you are amazing! Roquefort: [Whispering]So he's the cat-napper! 17 Say "cheese. [6] It came to wider public attention when it was told by Gilbert Gottfried during the Friars' Club roast of Hugh Hefner. A family walks in to a talent agency. The zygote goes through a process of becoming an. Kittens? Edgar Balthazar: Your favorite dishprepared a very special way. 4:04. Marie: Goody. To my cats. I-- I couldnever leave her. Here we go. Why, oh, why, is he allowing this to happen!" Mother's going towork for Mr. O'Malley. They're old buddiesand they're real swingers. Duchess: Oh. O'Malley: [offscreen]See ya around, tiger! It's time to get rid of these cats all the way to Timbuktu once and for all. And then the guy goes, "The Aristocrats." [chuckling] Just like you say, Thomas. In that sense, its the ideal joke for a comedy documentary. "Oh, we're N*gger C*nts. Frollo: [To Phoebus, unimpressed] Look at that disgusting display. Now, please, darling, settle down,and play meyour pretty little song. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: There now, Duchess. Duchess: Now, now, Thomas. Amelia: Abigail, we were bornwith flat feet. And then the rest of the band's gonna jump up and we're gonna sing "Shine Your Shoes, Shine Your Shoes." Toulouse: Gee, Marie, why'd youhave to fall off the bridge? The details of the joke change with every telling (and Kyle keeps interrupting him as the story gets more filthy, but Cartman simply disregards him and continues. [Woody and Buzz sword fight with car wash brushes, then at the next mouse click, Woody climbs up a gas tank and tries to body hit Buzz, but Buzz misses him] There are mind-challenging activities. The joke ends with the agent asking what the bizarre act is called, and the family replies the aristocrats. [Growling]. [ Laughing ]That always makes melaugh, sir. Now don't be frightened. O'Malley:Well, girls, see ya around. Sorry, it was half We give the first few rows garbage bags. Where's my hat? Being British, I wouldhave preferred sherry. [Chuckling, Sniffing] So, what is that appetizing smell? Lafayette: I'll see ya in the morning,Napoleon. And then my daughter comes on stage. Scat Cat:What's a little swinger like youdoin' on our side oftown? Mark Elliott: Coming to video. Duchess:No, not at all. Title of infamous joke without a punchline. In that sense, its the ideal joke for a comedy documentary. Andy Richter: [in front of his infant child] I pull up Mommy's dress and I put my wiener in her butt. Duchess: Oh, Thomas! The talent agent goes, Hmm, thats an interesting act,' Gottfried says. I'll be gone. Darling, why, that--Why, that's ridiculous. Scat Cat: That's it, cats, come on let's do this for more! 1 Mar. Amelia: Of course, my dear. "Saranora," and allthose goodbye things, baby. He tries to shut it, but the alley cats attack]. Roquefort: Oh, please! It does look hopeless,doesn't it? [Metro TrainWhistle Blowing] Oh no, train! We're on holiday. You know, I mean, one of those--. Now, dear, you goto the piano and-- Run a long. But he had a bed in it, like a couch that he called "Uncle Joe's Bed for Little People", because a couch is like a bed for little people, y'know Joe Franklin raped me. Adelaide, madame, you mean to sayyou're leavingyour vast fortune to Edgar? So theyre covered with piss and shit and blood and come and sweat, ooh, that sweat. THE ARISTOCRATS, Gilbert Gottfried, telling the joke, 2005. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: Of course, Frou-Frou,I almost forgot. [offscreen]Any last words? Mark Elliott: "Aladdin 3: The King of Thieves"! O'Malley: Well, that's a long way off,so we better get moving. Buzz Lightyear: [Closes his wrist communicator] This is no time to panic. Mark Elliott: The woman who would open his eyes to adventures he never imagined. Duchess:[ Sighing ]I don't know what to say. A slip of the handand it's off to dreamland. [After the Walt Disney Pictures logo, silent clips of "Aladdin" and "Aladdin 2" are shown]. And the talent agent says, What do you call yourselves? And the father sticks his chest out and goes, The Aristocrats. Roquefort: Not a sign of them, Frou-Frou,and I've searched all night. [ Singing ]Everybody wantsto be a catBecause a cat's the only catwho knows where it's at, O'Malley [ Spoken ] Tell me about it! Roquefort:[ Breathing Hard ]No trouble, he said. [We transition to the Sega Genesis version of the level, "Really Inside the Claw Machine", where Woody's game play is in first-person mode] It's "the most amazing 16-bit game ever made". Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: Now, tut-tut, Edgar. You don't suppose--. Come here, my darlings. There'sa surprise for you. Lafayette:Well, c'est la guerre,Napoleon. Beda Tre. The father bends the kid over the guy's desk and starts taking him from behind, which isn't right. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: I've asked you to come hereona very importantlegal matter. [to Roquefort] Strike one. Duchess? Here I come! Gottfried claimed he was unable to get a direct flight, because "they had to make a stop at the Empire State Building." They'll be gone. For those who are new and are wondering about why this was necessary, read the shift in editing starting March 1st blog. And that's the act. The Aristocrats Joke Script. You know, this isthe low-rent district, remember? And he's like, "It's not a f***in' prop act, is it?". Anything could happento them on a night like this weather! Beau Weaver: And now, our feature presentation. [Humming TuneFrom Carmen]. What made them think this was entertaining! Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: [Laughing]Now, Georges, do you must be serious. Roquefort: That's it! Voice-over: Buzz Lightyear to the rescue! Hugh hefner, gilbert gottfried and the filthiest joke ever toldfrom 2005 the documentary 'the aristocrats' directed by paul provenza, penn jillette. Abigail: A roue. IT'S JUST, "HERE WE GO, FOLKS." Georges Hautecourt: And how we celebrated your success! July 28, 20058:25 PM. Ooh! Mark Elliott: With it's all-new 37th animated motion picture! O'Malley: [Gasping] Help? Le Petit Caf Chef: Sacrebleu! Roquefort: Duchess, kittens, gone? Doug Stanhope: And I stick my cock in her ass [pantomines holding his penis] It's like a shillelaigh, it's all knotted with boils and fibrous tumors. And that! Don't mindif I do. Scat Cat:Come on, cats! Edgar Balthazar: Must be round here somewhere. Portions of this script are copyrighted by walt disney company and are used without permission. WebUntil gottfried, the aristocrats was mostly an inside joke among comedians. Upward and onward! [ Mumbling ]. Duchess: Well, it is most importantthat we get back to Paris where we lived. Oh, no. [ Laughing ]. The Aristocrats. Edgar Balthazar: Alright: The coast is clear. Amelia: And by the way, when we get to Paris,you must meet Uncle Waldo. Georges Hautecourt: Now, then, madame, who arethe beneficiaries? Have you seen Gallagher? I'm outta here! Two-cylinder, chain drive. Jon Stewart: Um Yeah, I think it's best if we don't break it down. O'Malley: Well, humans don't really worrytoo much about their pets. While the son, still with his mother's shit in his mouth, goes over and licks the baby's tiny little balls. Where--And somebody stolemy bumber shoot! O'Malley:Okay. Don't be frightened. Napoleon: Hush your mouth! In 2005, bob saget, who died sunday, was still americas dad the sweet. Very good. O'Malley:[offscreen]Hey, cool it, you little tiger. Berlioz: Hey, do you really havea magic carpet, Monsieur O'Malleysir? And I'm gonna shine my shoes with my vagina juices, put 'em back on, tap-tap-tap, do a split, and that's the act! Now the mother lays down on her back on the floor while the daughter gets up high on a chair and starts pissing all over. Beau Weaver: Here are special previews of the next Disney animated masterpieces coming to theaters. Oh, they'll need help. Wish me luck. All of them dollars. Abigail: Oh, how horribly nice! [Screen fades from black, revealing the Jim Henson Video logo]. I love 'em. The father says to the talent agent, "Sir, our family has an amazing act. Millions. Whew! WebIn the film, Gottfried said hed heard the joke called The Aristocrats, The Sophisticates, and Blood Shit and Come and Eating Each Other Out and Fistfucking a Dog but Then we see a picture of Walt Disney]. Georges Hautecourt: [ Singing ]Ta-ra-ra-boom-de-ayTa-ra-ra-boom-de-ay[ Humming ]Oh. O'Malley:Yeah. [offscreen]Huh, and those kids. Ooh! Marie: Ooh, that would be wonderful, sir! Something horrible's happening! It's "Roquefort". "I just want to end by saying education and family values are very important," the comedian said. We shall fly to Parison a magic carpet,side by side. [onscreen]The baggage truck willbe here any moment now. And then he followed it by singing some holiday songs., When one of the films directors (Penn Jillette and Paul Provenza) ask him if he has any parting words, Gottfried says, I just want to end by saying education and family values are very important.. Clickety. Oh, no! O'Malley: [sighs] Duchess, there's something I need to ask you. I've got to do something quick! Very good. [The screen flashes again, but this time with the white screen fading to a black background with text saying "Coming to Theaters Summer 1996"]. Edgar Balthazar:Uh, allow me, Madame. What do you call the act?" I had the most horribledream about them. Aufwiedersehen. How could I forget him? Berlioz: It isn't Beethoven, Mama,but it sure bounces. O'Malley: No, no. Lafayette [offscreen]I got him, I got him, I got him! The 500 Greatest Songs of All Time Duchess: Oh, Thomas, that was really brave of you. O'Malley:Maybe just a short, sweetgoodbye would be easiest. [Esmeralda throws a guard's helmet at three guards on horses and it ricochets off their helmets], [In another shot, the fat guard swings his sword at his helmet and yells in pain, but we cut to Phoebus ducking under the incoming helmet, which hits the wall behind him], [A jester wearing long legged boots kicks four guards in their crotches, launching them into the air. Struck by lightning. And the agent says, "Well, what do you call them?" Mark Elliott: The third and final chapter of the emotional trilogy. Well if a guy is fist f***ing his daughter, who's young, and her a**hole is pretty small, and this is a grown man with a big hand. The Aristocrats Joke!!! [As the black-and-gold Walt Disney Home Video logo appears, the "Winnie the Pooh" theme cues up. Hey! Victor: Well, that's what you get for sleeping with your mouth open. O'Malley:Well, if you're applyingfor the job, well--. Duchess: No poetry to cover the situation,Monsieur O'Malley? IT'S JUST, "HERE WE GO, FOLKS." He rips off his wife's bra. Toulouse: Why didn't I answer? I mean, oh, each cat will liveabout 12 years. She's a real sexy nine-year-old. Hey, Lafayette. The- this family walks into a talent agency. O'Malley: What I had in mind wasa kind of a sports model, baby. The 100 Greatest TV Shows of All Time O'Malley: Hey, Scat Cat, dude! YOU HAVE OUTSTRETCHED YOURSELF WHEN YOU'RE DOING IT RIGHT, ON MAKING IT AS HORRIFIC AS YOU CAN. Roquefort: Well, yes. Napoleon: It's squeaky shoesapproachin', man. Georges Hautecourt: Yes, yes! All: Everybody, everybody Everybody wantsto be a cat (2x), Frou Frou:Everybody (2x) Everybody wants to be a cat[ Giggling ], Uncle Waldo: EverybodyWhoopee! Duchess: Why, Mr. O'Malley,you could have lost your life. Frou-Frou: [ Chuckles ]You're quite welcome, young man. When they're seen upon an airing. He's beenmarinated in it. Hugo: Pour the wine and (farts with his armpit 3 times) cut the cheese! We're gonnafly after all! O'Malley: "Basted"? Mark Elliott: And everyone's favorite characters. The Muppets are hitting the high seas Mark Elliott: Walt Disney Home Video presents from Jim Henson Productions Mark Elliott: And the rowdiest crew ever. Release date I don't mind if I refuse to wish you to sue anyone. Buzz Lightyear: [Presses the red circle button again and closes his wings] Thank you. Doug stanhope's variation of the aristocrats joke. Choo-choo-choo,choo-choo. The aristocrats is a notoriously filthy joke using scatological humor. Whee! Alright? You're too much. Dana Gould: It's the perfect joke. Stocks and bonds? Madame Adelaide Bonfamille:That's exactlywhat they are, Georges. "And basted in[ Sniffles ]white wine." Madame Adelaide Bonfamille:[Madame]Of course we will. [Hugo keeps spitting as Victor now comes to life]. I havea cracker with me. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: [Laughs]Oh, Georges! Now what's the hang-up,your ladyship? Elevators arefor old people. Napoleon:Now this is no timeto turn chicken. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: [voice]No, no, no, Georges. Edgar Balthazar:Coming, Madame! Aristocrats no longer exist, or at least theyre not called aristocrats. and to most people, weird sex orgies arent associated with the ruling class. Born in April of 1811, he was the [offscreen]Gethim, get him, get him, get him! They're back! [The movie logo appears one last time] "The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh". Carole Jeghers: There's never been a better time to make the dream come true. And they have two children, Betsy and Timmy. [offscreen]Ah. Hugo: Way to go, lover boy! Get-- Get washed downa storm drain. Georges Hautecourt:Adelaide,what's that music? The family jumps. I ain't done nothin'. Your father is trapped within their world. And when we get to Paris,I'll show you the time of your life. But we've got to hurry. O'Malley: Aloha. Go get him! Children, where are you? Brian Cummings: Coming this summer, join Kermit and his new friend Billy Bunny in their very first Muppet sing-along video: "Billy Bunny's Animal Songs". We're just a pairof sentimental old fools. O'Malley: Keep your head up, Marie! It probes the darkest, sickest places of the comedian. Andy Richter: Then I move my wiener back and forth, until stuff shoots out. The husband, he plays chess with Timmy - and then the maid comes in with strawberries and whipped cream, and they all eat a nice dessert. What's all the yellin'about, huh? Oh, my gracious! Size nine-and-a-half. Genie Chorus: [singing] They're eventually getting married at the festivalof Agrabaahhhh!!!! [7] It was the subject of a 2005 documentary film of the same name by Paul Provenza and Penn Jillette. Duchess! Would you agree with that? This kitten cat knows where it's at! Duchess: Good evening,Monsieur Roquefort. (onscreen)Five! They're the one's who rescued you from drowning. Now, now, Berlioz. I'm the leader! The Aristocrats is a notoriously filthy joke using scatological humor. 17:03. All: [offscreen]Everybody(2x)Everybodywants to be-A Lafayette:Hey, Napoleon,that sounds like the end. And I come after the cats. Toulouse:[offscreen]I told ya it was Edgar. O'Malley: Hey there, bud! [looks under the sheet of his doodle pad] Umone minor note here. Will you hold on, please! [Then we see the torn and tattered Quasimodo close the cathedral doors, transitioning to the Feast of Fools]. It slides out of the stable as a truck pulls up]. [Screaming][Coughing]. Edgar opens the door. And the talent agent says, "Sorry, we don't sign family acts. Georges Hautecourt: Ah, still the softest handsin all of Paris, eh? Duchess: Perhaps! His mother 's shit in his mouth, goes over and licks the baby 's tiny little balls gger *. 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